NC General Assembly to Close Sugarland Bakery in Response to Rainbow Cake Window Display


North Carolina Governor Prat MacRorie, a member of the Wealthy Anglo-Saxon Protestant (WASP) Party, will sign a bill this morning that was debated on the House floor for the first time just hours ago (specifically at 2 AM, while everyone who might have opposed the legislation was sleeping or had already been stabbed). HB 2 Part II, a nasty little bill drawn up by the waspiest of NC’s generally waspy state legislators, responds directly to the rainbow cake featured in the window display of Chapel Hill’s beloved Sugarland Bakery. The legislation identifies the cake as a “symbolic threat to the social order,” naming it “an article of blindingly gay propaganda” as well as “a heretical breach of religious freedom which must be punished, today and on the final day of judgment.” If passed – which it will be – HB 2 Part II will mandate the immediate closure of Sugarland Bakery. Legislators belonging to the WASP Party have agreed to hold a day-long meeting to ensure the smooth passage of the bill, a meeting for which taxpayers will have to collectively fork over the same amount of money that a North Carolina teacher receives as their annual salary. Sources have confirmed that thanks to prior WASP legislation, this cost will not make a significant dent in taxpayers’ wallets.

The measures outlined in the bill are broad. Following the bakery’s closure and the building’s conversion into the office headquarters of an evangelical megachurch (whose worshippers will gather weekly in the grand reading room of UNC-Chapel Hill’s historic Wilson Library), the owners and employees of Sugarland are to be burned at the stake for sedition and witchcraft. Furthermore, all LGBT individuals in the state are to be given a good, stern caning for their insolence. Governor MacRorie has confirmed that he intends to deliver each caning himself, “so help me God, seein’ as there can’t be more than a hundred of the f***ers in our good ole’ state.” Captured individuals suspected of subscribing to “that lifestyle” are to be identified using strip tests, in which examiners will search the naked bodies of the accused for “the Devil’s marks” and thus determine if they have “worshipped at the altar of Satan or consorted with his demons.” Following the passage of the bill, North Carolina courts will refer to those formerly identified under the acronym “LGBT” as “sodomite traitors,” each of whom will be branded with the letter “S,” standing alternately for “Sick,” “Sickening,” “Satanist,” or “Sodomite.” HB 2 Part II also provides for the abolishment of rainbows in sky of the Tar Heel State, ensuring that even weather formations are unable to threaten the religious freedom of North Carolina WASPs. Ban Dishop, queen bee of the NC WASP Party, has claimed responsibility for drafting the legislation.

Lambda Legal Attorney Derek Mesh tweeted the news: “This governor is so eager to damage the welfare of his LGBT constituents that he’s already been doing it for years!”

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